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There's a place in each of us where beliefs, feelings, wish-filled dreams rest, awaken, inspire and advance. Life is like a dance moving us -- to acquiesce, take a stance, stand in line, step ahead, step on another's toes, or find our footing and feel empowered while exercising: We have choices. We discover who we are and more about others from the decisions we each reach. And in some way, and some how, our lives will touch another; the dance renews itself repeatedly throughout the stages of our experience with life. Our key to its understanding, and to our own success as people, is found in how we treat each other.
We are as a finely woven, delicate line embroidered and enjoined with one another in the dance of life; we are all interconnected, affecting even that which we think we cannot see. Helping, hurting, standing still, or reaching out: We are in control. We have choices. We can make a difference -- negatively or positively in our own lives and in the lives of others. The beauty of life: The decision is ours to make.
I suggest: No side-stepping. I trip, I fumble, I fall at times and, at others, I struggle for finding how I feel and having words to express some views. And I'm surely destined to make mistakes along the way. But I try, I apologize, I begin again. I don't embrace the term "defeat." I seek a new approach. That's the place I am today.
Yesterday, and for the past few days, I hadn't felt or thought this way: I cried. Here's why:
A few years ago, some children's advocates contacted me and asked for assistance in banning books from schools and public libraries that were positive alternatives to titles available to children and teens. The titles aim toward helping educate, teaching children acceptance -- for their peers and for adults (care-givers of their classmates) who are gay/lesbian. I couldn't, wouldn't and still refuse to support such censorship -- by the proposed removal of the books. The decision made was not pain-filled; the responses received, however, broke my heart. "Why would you want to censor the material?" I asked, not knowing. The resounding reply: "They're nothing but a manual for how to be gay or lesbian." I realized that that was nothing short of ignorance speaking, and, so, I revised my question in respect to one of the titles: "Why are you so offended by a book that helps children accept other children and their families?" I thought I'd heard it all till this: "They are accepted -- as long as they're 'straight.'" In that, I heard pure homophobia -- and it hurt deeply that any advocate for children would propose others adopt such an agenda that harms children, the population all advocates should be protecting from: Abuse.
Teasing is not harmless. Children may very well be "resilient," yet, still, the idea that a child may rebound does not excuse harassment that can and very often does reach the core of a child's self-esteem and feelings toward oneself and his or her parent(s) -- or other adults responsible for care-giving. Children who are taunted and harassed by peers can grow into adults, and adults who do remember the pain caused by those who were not sensitized to others' feelings. Each child is entitled to be in any setting that does not interfere with the child's right to learn and grow into the person he or she can become -- as long as his or her rights are not subject to rejection by other children. Children's lives should be free from hate, and all that it imposes.
Hate is not inborn; it is instilled or taught by adults. Material that offers education and information to help children better understand one another (and adults) is the means by which children will learn to filter out the hurtful ideas harbored by adults who are homophobic, hate-filled bigots. Failing to provide children with the proper education is a type of educational neglect, and filling their heads with ideas intended to advance bigotry is child abuse. Children are not born closed- or narrow-minded, yet are very much open-minded and receptive to learning and retaining. It is critical to reach children at a young age with healthful information - to foster their growth into respectful, accepting, and decent human beings capable of appreciating others' rights to enjoy their lives, feel happy, experience inner-peace, have an abundance of self-confidence, and receive support.
There's not one person who must take my word for anything, yet I would suggest making sure to have a few tissues before visiting: Robbie Kirkland "Remember Me!"
Robbie's story relates hope: That children and teens can be reached and helped. No child should be subject to human cruelty and harassment, face his or her feelings alone among peers, or feel rejected. Abuse from one child toward another can be prevented. It's up to more adults, and particularly to children's advocates, to open our eyes and our hearts even wider. We need to summon an end to the spiraling effects of harassment, homophobia and hatred - receiving tacit approval as a result of not requesting that schools offer increased resources/services to help more children understand the value and importance of accepting one another (and their adult care-providers).
Children, harassed in school, don't forget. It's been a number of years since I was a child, and I remember. I thought, till reading Robbie's site, that I had shored up my defenses -- not nearly as well as I had led myself to believe, which I've realized in past days. The taunting, teasing, harassment: There are lasting effects. For example: My weight was something others chose to direct their attention toward when I was a child; I was underweight because my parents had their beliefs on what the ideal weight for their little girl should have been; and, I was under-fed. And as I became an adult, I found it difficult to increase my weight (because of medical conditions stemming from childhood neglect and abuse).
When I now hear comments about my weight, which tends to drop dramatically with stress, it brings unpleasant reminders to the surface: "You look like a Holocaust survivor" and "Are you sure you don't have AIDS" help me realize that my appearance is not being complimented. Then, I feel self-conscious and apprehensive about being around people I don't know very well or who don't know me yet act as if it is their right to "tease" -- because I am an adult, after all, and I can just "get over it" -- despite how I feel inside about what they say. I think, it's quite possible that they're probably some of the very same people who, as children, harassed other children at schools and, by their examples, teach their own children that "teasing" is acceptable. It is not okay; it leaves a deep impression and hurts other children. And, no matter how well a child (or an adult) thinks that he or she has built up to withstand ridicule or destructive criticism, we all still have rock-soft fences for our defenses that can crumble when someone says something that is deliberately hurtful or from their place of hatred.
The time for all adults to send a message is long over-due. Educational and informational materials designed to help children's acceptance toward one another needs to be increased, not possibly decreased by, for example, the Children's Internet Protection Act (S.97) introduced by Senator John McCain. The Act Senator McCain proposed will mandate filtering software be installed in school and library computers; the software itself is flawed; a number of the software applications have been reviewed by PeaceFire; and, the Electronic Privacy and Information Center (EPIC) along with the Internet Free Expression Alliance have monitored and have asked that alternatives to S.97 be given more serious consideration.
The proposed legislation will not prevent pedophiles Online from preying on minor-age boys and girls. Filtering adversely affects sites that are not even specifically related to pedophiliac interests, but to health (breast cancer, safe sex and AIDS), human interest (gay and lesbian issues), women's rights, and, from one of my own biased interests, the CPAC. While pedophiles lurking for children may have some remote interest in the topics, they are not the primary audience in search of the resources. Filtering sites that have information beneficial to children and to teens should not be screened-out of reach; it would be immoral to censor material that educates, informs and helps.
Children should not be punished as a result of the misuses of the Internet by adults; those adults should be held responsible, and Sen. McCain informed of how non-offending adults feel about S.97. I believe, it will hurt children/youth and toss a barrier between their need to receive resources and support and their ability to access that which can help. Pedophiles and other predatory individuals, meanwhile, will still have full Internet access -- with or without filtering.
Imagine, and I think we each can, that filtering is in effect in schools and libraries. How will gay/lesbian children and teens (as well as their care-givers) be able to learn that they are not alone and not give up hope: Remember Robbie. I won't forget him. No one should:
When you envision a life for your child you imagine many places and things. In my mind's eye I saw myself at the Gay Pride Parade marching to support my son. I thought Robbie would have a bright and happy future, despite being born gay, and I told him so. Robbie did not share my vision, he knew how hard life had already been for him because of the homophobic harassment of his classmates.
On Jan. 2, 1997, one month before his 15th birthday, Robbie committed suicide after a 4-year struggle to accept and find peace with his sexuality.
Robbie was a gentle, sensitive, and loving son.
Our family loved, supported, and accepted him but could not protect him from the rejection and harassment he experienced at his Catholic Schools or the rejection he felt from our homophobic society and the Catholic Church.
It was only after his death, from reading his diary, poetry, and letters and talking with his close friends that we realized the hatred and cruelty that was directed at him because he was perceived as gay.
I would like to read to you part of a poem which Robbie wrote. The poem reflects the pain, rejection, and hopelessness which Robbie felt from the hatred, and harassment of his classmates.
"I'm Dying and No One
Cares"
I try to stand and walk
I fall to the hard cold ground.
It feels as if to life I'm no longer bound.
The others look and laugh at my plight.
Blood pours from my nose, I am not a pretty sight.
I try to stand again but fall
To the others I call.
But they don't care
The pain is unbearable.
The world is not fair.
Robbie was right; the world is not fair!
Robbie was not born with heterosexual privilege.
He was raised around diversity and taught to accept and celebrate the differences of others. Unfortunately, his classmates taught him otherwise!
At a young age he learned how unacceptable and hated gays were from his classmates. At age 10, he knew he was gay and felt he must remain closeted in order to survive. Even that was not enough to protect him. His classmates still thought Robbie was gay and he continued to be the target of teasing and harassment.
The harassment left Robbie feeling worthless, humiliated, isolated, and frightened. He internalized the homophobia he encountered. He hated himself because he was gay and did not want to be gay.
Sadly, there are too many stories like Robbie's.
Everyday in schools across our country, children are insulted with words such as faggot, queer, and dyke. They are pushed, tripped, punched, and made to feel ashamed of who they are.
I truly believe that this harassment is the precursor to hate crimes that exist in society at large. The lack of legal protection for gays only encourages and reinforces hatred and homophobia. It gives some a license to discriminate, harm, and even kill. It is no surprise that sexual minority youth do not feel safe, experience depression, and are at greater risk of suicide. These youth are the future of the GLBT community and the gay rights movement.
I wish Robbie had had more gay role models to show him that it is possible to be gay and lead a productive and happy life. Being out and proud is only the first step. We need to move beyond visibility to show our opposition that we are a serious force. We need to actively support the organizations and institutions that work to eliminate gay bias in our communities. We need to do the physical work of making our world safer for sexual minorities.
I do the work that I do because I know Robbie's life experiences as a gay youth are in no way unique. I would give anything to be in this crowd today as a mother supporting her gay son. Instead I stand here a mother supporting a world of gay children who suffer undeservingly.
Think back to your own pain when you were young and experienced or witnessed homophobic harassment. Do not dismiss these memories as an unfortunate aspect of being gay but as a problem that we need to actively eliminate.
There are many things that you can do to reach out and make a difference for gay youth.
One simple, yet valuable action you can take is to write your schools and tell them about your experiences as a gay youth. Describe the homophobic teasing and harassment that you witnessed or were a victim of. Ask schools to have mandatory teacher training programs on gay sensitivity and awareness.
Gay youth need to see themselves in the curriculum. Therefore, encourage schools to include GLBTs in history, literature, and other subjects.
Encourage schools to form and support gay straight student alliances.
It is important to support legislation that gives sexual minorities equal rights and protection against harassment and hate crimes. Organizations such as PFLAG, GLSEN, Human Rights Campaign, GLBT Community Centers, and GLBT youth support groups are valuable assets and need to be supported.
I would like to thank you for inviting me to St. Louis's Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Pride Fest and providing me with the opportunity to share my son's story.
By standing here today out and proud you give hope to gay youth, as well as closeted gay adults. Gay youth must see a future beyond their pain and isolation. So be out. Be proud and I challenge you to work to make our communities places where all sexual minorities are valued for their contributions to society.
Healing
from Hate Crimes A
Lesson: Avoid an Abyss of Indifference Letter
to the Honorable James T. Ford, Superior Court Victim
Witness Statement, 1995 Sentencing Summer
of Hate, Sign of Hope Help
Make Hate Homeless Internet
Filtering, Letter to Senator John McCain Related
Resources 
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 CPAC Resources
 Stand Against the Wind
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